Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I seem to have left my pride at pride
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
