just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
