Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize