i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
