I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
