I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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