I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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