I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
