So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
