just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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