so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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