Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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