The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
