i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just want nice things and good sex
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
