From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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