It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I think I just shit out all my problems.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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