farters have to be the big spoon...
so let's talk penis.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
