I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
