idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
