Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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