My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize