im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
