How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
