mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
