everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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