If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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