You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
