So drunk its hurt
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
