Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize