I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
