I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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