How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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