My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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