Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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