He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
