At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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