Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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