At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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