the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize