btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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