Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The beer is more important than you right now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
