Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
