Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
