Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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