Will you blow on my dice?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize