areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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