She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Randomize
