Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
