Yo dont text me then not text me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
