I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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