i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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