My cat gives me a boner
I cut my penus on the lid.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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