I'm going to jail i love you
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
