I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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