Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
