You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're a waste of cheezeits
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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