i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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