the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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