Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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